Where was I? Oh, yes. Sir Glenn Beck Rally and I trust Sir Prediabetes implicitly. As in, if he said, "Food from the bottom of this dumpster smells like heaven and taste like angels," we'd dive right in. It's terrible, really. We don't even know him, beyond his awesome ability to pack food in his rapidly rounding gut. But obviously we'd follow him right into a heart attack.
And I use the term "we" because (for once in our lives) Sir Glenn Beck Rally and I have matching opinions in this regard. Though you'll never catch those coleslaw, fries, and tomato topped sandwiches crossing these lips. No sir. I have standards.
And Taco Bell.
Sir Prediabetes told us (besties) that THE Philly Cheesesteaks could be found at Jim's Steaks in West Philly. We punched the address into the ole GPS and off we went!
In case you weren't aware, Philadelphia's crime rate is....up there with that of Chicago and NYC. And that fact is important to this story so hold it close to your heart.
As the miles ticked by, the houses grew closer and smaller. Bars began spotting the windows, garbage littered the gutters, and that bump we just went over? That was us crossing the railroad tracks. Speaking of, the subway rose up from under the ground to perch atop great columns above the road. We started seeing folks in lawn chairs camped out under it. Unsupervised children milled about and sleeping souls resting tired bones were spotted on curbsides.
All I'm saying is, we prayed for green lights.
But still we pressed on! And, helpmemotherofmary, I'm so glad we did.
When we pulled up, Sir Glenn Beck Rally was first, relieved that we had indeed put our lives in danger for a place that really existed and second, hellbent on schooling me in the proper procedure for securing cheesesteaks without bodily harm (He told me to run.).
Terribly shady neighborhood, it was. Unless you're my mother. Then it was just like Salt Lake City, only more smiley faces.
Turns out, we shouldn't have been afraid of death by stray bullet because this ditty made our arteries clog right on up, neat and tidy!After my heart was restarted with a few hundred defibs, I agreed with Sir Prediabetes that this was, in fact, the best Philly Cheesesteak I had ever had.
Don't tell him this but it's the only Philly Cheesesteak I've ever had.
OK, so maybe our drive wasn't JUST for the Philly; we shucked off the oxygen masks long enough to catch a thimble's worth of sites. The Liberty Bell was, in a word, disappointing. Did yous guys know that it didn't even ring on the day independence was declared??? Plus, it cracked soon after it was caste so that makes it a sissy. I realize I've just spoken un-American words. Shameful. And in the shadows of the Glenn Beck Rally. Not my husband, Sir Glenn Beck Rally. The actual Glenn Beck...whatever. It's too hard to explain.
And speaking of declaring independence, this is the place: Benjamin Franklin's grave. Hey, we paid 2 entire dollars to go in and see it so I had to include a picture. Here's the first post office in this country. It's the only post office without the American flag and a zip code. And don't try to send something to your family back in Utah from the FIRST EVER POST OFFICE because THEY DON'T HAVE ANY ENVELOPES. Just thought you'd like to know that the postal service, WHICH DELIVERS LETTERS IN ENVELOPES, doesn't have any. Bitter? No, not me. Never.
Sir Prediabetes also frequents Franklin Fountain so we, of course, had to make a stop. This old-fashion soda fountain did not disappoint. The interior was impeccably designed to mimic the candy kitchens and ice cream parlors of the 1920s. Old-fashion sodas, hard ice cream, all served in tall glasses with paper straws. One happy boy...post ice cream soda explosion. Read: coke and ice cream dripping off every surface, Emily seizing from panic attacks, Adam giggling nervously and swiping at the puddles with one doll-sized napkin. I had the Ladies' Choice. Fitting. And here's my darling flats that left me cursing the fashion gods. All told, a vunderbar trip (and not just because I felt inspired to get back on my diet).
"Take that, Lord Fall! Deep Creek Lake or no, I will prevail! Come on Lady Summertime, we've got more scheming to do. Plus, we need to buy a couple pairs of Spanx."